For Elizabeth

i’ve never felt so lost.
i’ll never fit the bill.
losing you created a void
a void that I can’t fill.

I’ve lost my soul

Oh, you’re gonna lose your soul tonight
You’re gonna lose your soul
You’re gonna lose your soul tonight, tonight.
Oh, you’re gonna lose control tonight
You’re gonna lose control
You’re gonna lose control tonight, tonight.
-Lose Your Soul by Dead Man’s Bones

I think it’s funny that there are few actors out there that can crossover to being musicians but musicians seem to always crossover to being actors. Well maybe not all of them but there are more musicians that can crossover than vice versa. Ryan Gosling’s band, Dead Man’s Bones, is very addictive. My roommate somehow stumbled upon them and I’ve been hooked ever since.

I’m really excited about Where the Wild Things Are. The soundtrack is wonderful. Karen O and The Kids capture the spirit brilliantly. I’m going to buy Shannon a hat from Spencer’s that is gray and fuzzy with cat ears on it. She says it reminds her of the movie. She said she’d wear it when we go to see the movie.

This part is totally a introspective soapbox…does that even make sense?…anywho. For the past week, I’ve been observing my own life and the people that are involved in it. I can say with confidence that I have a total of 2 people in my life that I know beyond a doubt will be here for me and have only the best in mind for me. Those two people are my mom and shannon. This kind of makes me depressed. One is family and one is a very good friend who might as well be family. Everyone else doesn’t seem to even slightly care about this thing they think is a friendship. I text one person and I get no response, at all. I call someone else and they never answer, wait…they answer but that’s like one in a million. Usually when we talk, it’s them making plans to spend time with me only for them to break them, all the time. I have some people in my life that only call or text when they need something from me. I have others that don’t text or call at all.

All that being said, I start to think or re-evaluate the situation(s). I come up with excuses for them in order to “forgive” them or to look past in ignorance. I also begin to think that maybe there’s something I’m doing that doesn’t merit a better “friendship” with these people. Am I the one breaking the plans? Am I the one that’s not calling? Am I…

I’ve stopped abruptly because I start to get depressed thinking way too much. I want a male companion to hang out with. I thought I had found one but I think my definition of friendship may be different than his.

I really need to stop. My emotions are running rampant and it feels as though I’ve lost my soul in this search for friendships. I given bits and pieces of it out to enough people that I didn’t save any for myself.

The Clouds Are Ghosts

I’m always awake so late at night
to realization that I am a fool
perhaps there is nothing I can do
but I am not alone
and we are not alone
not alone
-We Are Not Alone by The Clouds Are Ghosts

I’m excited/nervous about things to come for me in the future. I feel like I’m getting back on track but I also feel as though something else needs to change.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how Augusta is an alright place but is there something else out there? I don’t necessarily feel that there’s nothing here for me anymore, I just feel like I need to move on. I dunno. I’m not satisfied with my education here. I’m not satisfied with the lack of access to certain pleasures. I am tired of the people of Augusta and surrounding “cities”.  I’ll probably have to wait a year though first, before I can do any serious moving due to my upcoming probation.

So this coming weekend, I think Shannon and I will be going to Savannah. It’s Oktoberfest! Yay!! I was also looking for some promising music performances and I stumbled across the above band. The Clouds Are Ghosts. They’ll be performing at Wormhole Bar and from what I’ve listened to, they’re pretty good. They state that they are like Massive Attack, Portishead, Radiohead, and Bjork all rolled into one. I can hear the Massive Attack and Portishead in the music.  I went to their website and was able to download their album for free, so yay! I hope we see them.

I really should be going to bed now. Eh.

is there a ghost in my house

I could sleep when I lived alone
Is there a ghost in my house?
- Is There A Ghost by Band of Horses

Today’s I mean yesterday’s adventure was filled with lots of sleep. I felt like poo the entire day and all I could do was sleep. I went to work as well but slept most of the day. Now, thanks to all of the sleeping, I can’t sleep tonight.

I’ve been thinking about friendships a lot lately. I’ve really only got one close friend, my room mate Shannon. She puts up with my bull and I put up with hers. The ying to my yang, I guess? I’ve other friends too but sometimes I don’t think they care about me, but that’s all in my head. I’m trying to let them into my heart but I’m having a hard time doing that. I start thinking about all the things they do that annoy me or that I disagree with and I decide that I don’t want to put up with that. I’m slowly realizing that in order for me to let them in, I’ve got to accept them in their entirety as I would want others to do with me. All in all, they are genuinely good people. I’m sorry I’m rambling.

Listening to Band of Horses is very soothing.

I really do think there is a ghost in my house. I can’t find the remote to my television. It’s like it vanished. And by ghost I mean cat.

just a sec more in my bed

Just a sec more in my bed
Hope my machine’s working right
When it’s just precisely tuned
That shit’s gonna be so nice
– Daily Routine by Animal Collective

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I feel asleep around 3 or 4 and woke up around 8:30. I guess that’s what I get for taking a 3 hour nap earlier in the day. When I awoke this morning two things were swimming around in my head. 1) “WTF?! what did I just dream?” and 2) “Ugh! I hope I’m not sick!”

1) I had a dream that my mother, who is close to 60, was pregnant. I’m 24 and the only child. She’s tried having another child after me but couldn’t. Anyways, in the dream, the baby wasn’t my step-dad’s. It belonged to a pastor whose church we attended when we lived in Lincolnton. Back when I went to church religiously. ha. My step-dad was in the dream and happy as could be that she was pregnant. The pastor’s son was there too and he was poking fun at me saying that the reason she got pregnant was because she wanted a normal, “God fearing”, straight child. I woke up.

2) This girl that I work with apparently thought it was a good idea to come to work sick…WTF?! Why would you do that? She ended up calling out last night with the Flu. UGH!!! I can not get this again. At work yesterday, I was breaking out into cold sweats and my head would swim. I wake up this morning and I’m all congested. Great! Here we go. The last time I got really sick was about 2 years ago when my room mate and I both got this weird strain of Flu. I was out of school for close to 2 weeks. I lost my voice shortly there after. It was horrible. I can’t afford to go through that again.

I’m kind of looking forward to work this week, I just need everyone there to stay healthy and for my direct deposit to take effect tomorrow like I was told it might. I need gas in my car.

There’s a party in the USA

So I put my hands up,
They playing my song.
The butterflies fly away.
Nodding my head like yeah,
Moving my hips like yeah.
So I put my hands up,
They playing my song.
I know I’m gonna be ok
YEEEEEEAH!
It’s a party in the USA!
- Miley Cyrus

Alrighty then. Why am I up at 12:15 am listening to Miley Cyrus? I can’t stop listening to this song. I feel like a 13 year old girl, all giddy.

I’m really excited about life right now. It’s ridiculous, these emotions. I’ve got a great job, great friends, etc. I’m ultra excited about this coming weekend. It’ll be after my first full paycheck and I’ll be able to get a couple of things accomplished, such as the following:

1) Ernge is going to the Vet’s saturday for the first time. This will be for her first shots and to set up a time for her to be spayed. I’m hoping this will eliminate her peeing on my bed…i dunno. She also has, or i think, conjunctivitis in her right eye. It’s swollen and watery. I feel bad that I can’t do anything NOW but I’m hoping the vet will be able to fix it.

…((insert side note))…
I’m watching  The First Wives Club and I forgot how funny it is.
…((end))…

2) I’m getting a hair touch up saturday with Miranda. I’m excited. I’m a little disappointed with the fact that I can’t color it. Unless it looks natural. Thanks Rite Aid.

3) I’m planning on getting a battery charger for the camera that I found. It’s a simple Kodak point and shoot camera but it’s a camera none-the-less. I’m really wanting to start and follow through with a Project 365.

4) I’m wanting to get a gym membership. I’m ready to lose weight in a healthy way and right now being that I’m not in school, I have extra time. I find myself just sitting here waiting on something to happen. Nothing will happen unless I start the ball rolling.

So I’m making a promise. I deleted my Twitter because I feel that it takes away from blogging and it consumed my life. I was attached to the phone updating every second I had. I was being sucked into this technological world and missing out on the real world. I don’t want to miss out.

Time to watch this great movie. Laterz.